on aging and sailing

[passagesfromtheheart]

A post I wrote, yesterday, on my blog after selling my 2008 Com-Pac Legacy and 2013 Com-Pac 23 MK IV within 8 days of one another; this all happened essentially the week prior. In my post, I reflect upon how, somewhat, aging factored into the equation re: making the decision to sell my boats. Hope you get something out of the read. Fair winds.

BLUE BEHIND THE GREY
By Chelle Heart

It's 4:04 AM. I've managed to slow down my breathing, but my mind refuses to follow suit. I lay restless in bed craving that which evades me — recuperative sleep. Minute after minute piles on top of me like a weighty wool blanket. I endlessly shift positions in bed hoping to find that sweet spot which leads to sweet dreams. My racing brain, however, has something else in store and, instead, I'm focusing upon a paperless list in my mind's eye. A list that seemingly knows no end to the numerous to-do's noted upon it. A list which, if it had one, would shake a pointed finger at me in a "you'd better get this all done...or else!"

Two and half years ago, I would not have foreseen being in this particular position — finding myself in a sleepless state because I was waiting for a buyer, from three states away, to show up only hours later to purchase my little 2008 Com-Pac Legacy sailboat — a boat I'd promised myself I'd keep forever. I don't know about you, but it recently occurred to me it's infinitely easier to break a promise to oneself as opposed to another. Evidently, it seems I don't mind letting myself down, but dare I say, I would never want to let someone else down.

Anyhow, my plans, two and half years ago, were simply — speaking of promises — full of promise. That's because I would have been fulfilling a dream to become an "official" part of the marine industry, professionally speaking. I would've become a Com-Pac Yachts boat dealer, and the prospect of it all was intoxicatingly delicious to me — I know, I know...a strange choice of words, perhaps.

If you're wondering why working in the marine industry is so important to me, well, that's somewhat akin to asking me why I'm right-handed and not left-handed or ambidextrous...I don't know why I'm right-handed. I guess that's just how God, The Universe, made me. What I can tell you, though, is that working with and/or around boats, well, this is something I've always felt called to do — you know, it's when you listen to that inner-voice we all have — if we're fully present, we can always hear what it's telling us. Loud and clear.

To extrapolate a bit further with respect to my boat dealer plans, my little Com-Pac sailboat was going to be one of my demo boats, along with a larger Com-Pac sailboat I had as well. I say "had" because I just sold the larger Com-Pac sailboat as well...only three days ago. And, actually, both boats sold within eight days of one another. As such, preparing for both sales within such a short time period was um....pretty crazy...and that is an understatement. Now that it's all in my rearview mirror, though, I'll tell you I'm utterly exhausted. To the point at which some of my former Long Covid symptoms have decided they've really missed me, and thus have decided to bombard me with their mischievous and cunning ways yet again. Not fun.

Breathe, Chelle, just breathe.

Indeed, that's my mantra — and it really does help — but what I really need, all the more, is lots of rest.

I guess I should explain why I didn't become a Com-Pac dealer — and why that ultimately lead to me deciding to find new captains for two of my sailboats. As it happened, very sadly, one of the life-long owners — one of two brothers — of Com-Pac Yachts passed away. Not long after, the decision was made to shutdown the company after over 51 years in operation. The company had been started by the father of the two brothers who had owned it — so truly it was a legacy company. Com-Pac Yachts closing its doors was a huge loss to the sailing industry, as well as the sailing community around the world. Of course, it was also a loss to those of us Com-Pac owners, such as myself.

You might now be wondering why I still referred to myself as a Com-Pac owner when I told you that I've just sold two Com-Pac sailboats. I do still have one other sailboat — a brand-new 2024 Com-Pac Legacy that sat on a former dealer's lot for almost two years. The boat is reputed to have been one of two last remaining "new" Com-Pac sailboats after the company had closed.

As it goes, I decided to purchase the lil' 2024 Legacy because it would be an easier boat for me to manage, not only because it's small, but because it's brand-new and, therefore, would most likely require less maintenance, which equates with less work and more time to sail. At least in theory.

I suppose my thoughts on getting a newer (younger!) Com-Pac sailboat started not long after Com-Pac closed. I began to think, extensively, about my future sailing goals, plans, ambitions...dreams — taking stock of all of that with respect to the older version of myself I've become. I'm now close to approaching the sixth decade of my life...God willing. Nature has been mostly forgiving to me as I've aged, but I've realized I need to be realistic with myself at what I'm able to still do, primarily physically speaking. But there is also the mental element added into the mix as well.

This doesn't mean to say that I perceive myself as incapable; rather, it means I've learned — at last — to see the value in acceptance and the value in embracing who I am now rather than constantly fighting to be someone else I was. Who I was — well, I am not that person anymore. And it has been hard to let go of her — that younger woman I was. I miss her physical strength, her flexibility, and I'll go ahead and say it — I miss her confidence — though it took her many decades to find that, for what it's worth.

Accepting and embracing who I am now has been incredibly taxing, yet in some crazy way it's also been liberating. It's been about turning that former found confidence into a sort of prescient fearlessness. It's about accepting and embracing a version of myself that I'm admittedly, in many ways, not always comfortable being.

I am not afraid to tell you that I'm often haunted by the ghosts of my former selves. Former selves who were considerably physically stronger; former selves who were perhaps, more so, mentally exacting, precise; former selves whose appearances may have been, within reason, more congruent with what societal norms expects a woman to be. It goes without saying that these are selves I no longer am. And it would be dishonest if I told you that it's been easy to let go of them. I'd grown accustomed to being 'those selves' over time; I'd developed a sort of rhythm with them. But now, I can no longer dance to those former rhythms of self; rather, I must constantly rewrite the songs which comprise my life.

When I'm in places in life which feel threatening, menacing, unsteady, I admit I look upon my younger years in a longing sort of way...and perhaps — in moments of weakness — I'm ashamed to say, in also an almost envious way. I've told you before about how I really do miss my younger body — I miss not having to worry about aches, pains, or other physical ailments and oddities that surface as result of aging. It seems the aging process — especially as we accelerate towards the final chapters of 'middle age' — constantly challenges us with an unfamiliar version of ourselves. And this is where compassion towards oneself must enter into the equation, without question; without a doubt.

In my early 40s, someone twenty-years my senior once told me that aging is something you have to "fight each and every day." But the way I see it, each and every day with which we are gifted should not be spent expending one's precious energy to fight something that's just a normal part of life; something we truly cannot control. Every day is rather a second chance to become a better version of oneself; a chance to live the fullest life we can for oneself and for others.

I've written to you before about how life can often feel like walking amongst storms...yet despite those dark and ominous clouds high above, remember there is always blue behind the grey. And the sun will shine again.

Until next time, fair winds.
~ xo

[fried fish]

Well written Chelle, your brain still works.
Getting old is not for sissies.
As I look at life, it's from one chapter to the next. Embrace each one. Hopefully the last chapter is a good one.
I am turning seventy in a couple of months. I still sail my compac23 solo sometimes.Each chapter is getting more interesting. Surprises everywhere. Many chapters yet to go,
Ready about?😎

[passagesfromtheheart]

Well written Chelle, your brain still works.
Getting old is not for sissies.
As I look at life, it's from one chapter to the next. Embrace each one. Hopefully the last chapter is a good one.
I am turning seventy in a couple of months. I still sail my compac23 solo sometimes.Each chapter is getting more interesting. Surprises everywhere. Many chapters yet to go,
Ready about?😎

Thanks, fried fish ~ I did have another friend, also twenty years older than me at the time, tell me that "aging ain't for sissies" -- indeed! And, yep -- ready about -- and more importantly, hopefully not a crash gybe! ;-D Awesome that you're still solo sailing your 23 -- keep it going, sailor!!!🤗⛵️

[crazycarl]

I keep telling myself I need to make that sail down to the Bahamas before I'm too old. Last week our club had our spring commissioning picnic and 4 couples in their mid eighties weren't back from their annual winter sail to the Caribbean. That gives me hope.

[fried fish]

Carl,
Are you doing that crossing in your 19?
I have pondered crossing in my 23. Of course using the buddy system.
Shallow draft around those coral reefs......

[crazycarl]

No, my Pacific Seacraft Orion. My plan is to leave the 1st week of January. Take the ICW down. Sail around until April. Weather permitting, I would sail up to Bermuda, then home. That's the dream anyway.

[Bewildered]

Chelle,
That was beautiful, thoughtful, deeply relatable to me and I would guess others. I wish I could express the current, chapter of my life as eloquently as you. Thank you for drawing me into your thoughts, challenges and your life experiences.  It is a grand and wondrous journey!

[passagesfromtheheart]

Chelle,
That was beautiful, thoughtful, deeply relatable to me and I would guess others. I wish I could express the current, chapter of my life as eloquently as you. Thank you for drawing me into your thoughts, challenges and your life experiences.  It is a grand and wondrous journey!

Hi, Bewildered! Thank you so much for your super kind and thoughtful post -- it has absolutely made my day, week, and more -- so touched and tremendously grateful that you shared this -- absolutely means the world to me!!! And you are so right -- it is, indeed, "a grand and wondrous journey!"⛵️

[alsantini]

Not sure I can add anything to the mix except that I believe we need to adjust or downsize as we age.  A good friend of mine in FL just launched his Com Pac Eclipse and he is mid eighty.  Carol and I have tried to downsize our life in the last few years.  We moved to a smaller 2 bedroom home in a Dell Webb community, downsized our travel trailer and I moved "down" to the Horizon.  That plus I have begun a series of exercises designed to keep mobility.  I will admit that my 80th birthday did not go un-noticed by me but I have fought the urge to sit and watch TV, instead I will sail and ride my recumbent 3 wheel bike until.....  NO, I will not type it or even think about it.  Your post Chelle was fantastic and extremely well said.  Keep moving and sail on   AL  Hope to see you at CLR

[Roland of Macatawa]

Well written, Chelle
Your thoughts resonate with me.
Be kind to yourself, and keep on keeping on.
Best Wishes, Roland

[passagesfromtheheart]

Not sure I can add anything to the mix except that I believe we need to adjust or downsize as we age.  A good friend of mine in FL just launched his Com Pac Eclipse and he is mid eighty.  Carol and I have tried to downsize our life in the last few years.  We moved to a smaller 2 bedroom home in a Dell Webb community, downsized our travel trailer and I moved "down" to the Horizon.  That plus I have begun a series of exercises designed to keep mobility.  I will admit that my 80th birthday did not go un-noticed by me but I have fought the urge to sit and watch TV, instead I will sail and ride my recumbent 3 wheel bike until.....  NO, I will not type it or even think about it.  Your post Chelle was fantastic and extremely well said.  Keep moving and sail on   AL  Hope to see you at CLR

Ahoy, Skipper Al! Thank you for chiming in and also sharing your strategies with respect to aging -- in getting my new Legacy, I have followed your path of downsizing with respect to boats -- the First Mate and I are also in the process of striking up a similar approach re: redefining our homestead situation. With biking, the First Mate and I elected to purchase our wonderful "hybrid" e-bikes and we LOVE them! Upon reflection, the one thing I inadvertently omitted from my blog post was the concept of adapting. I think this is, largely, what I've had to accept as one of my new best friends in living life. :-)

[passagesfromtheheart]

I keep telling myself I need to make that sail down to the Bahamas before I'm too old. Last week our club had our spring commissioning picnic and 4 couples in their mid eighties weren't back from their annual winter sail to the Caribbean. That gives me hope.

Carl, I hope you GO FOR IT! Woooohooooo!!! Sounds awesome!!! Speaking of the Orion -- came across this beauty the other day...if only, I thought... :-)

https://seattle.craigslist.org/see/boa/d/gig-harbor-1988-pacific-seacraft-orion/7918048001.html

[passagesfromtheheart]

Well written, Chelle
Your thoughts resonate with me.
Be kind to yourself, and keep on keeping on.
Best Wishes, Roland

Thank you so much, Roland, for letting me know you can relate with what I wrote -- I think knowing that others understand and can identify with what I've described makes the whole process of aging not feel so lonely and...well, frightening. Thank you for reaching out and I hope you are doing well! Closer to getting the boat ready, yes??? ⛵️

[SJMason]

Chelle,

So beautifully written! You will enjoy your beautiful new Legacy! Your love of this industry and Com-Pac boats shines through and I look forward to your updates.  Fair winds.  SJM

[passagesfromtheheart]

Chelle,

So beautifully written! You will enjoy your beautiful new Legacy! Your love of this industry and Com-Pac boats shines through and I look forward to your updates.  Fair winds.  SJM

Ahoy, Skipper SJM! So much heartfelt gratitude to you for your kindness and thoughtfulness -- really means so very, very much to me -- thank you!!!! I look forward to sharing upcoming adventures aboard Starflower! Fair winds to you, too, my friend!!! ~ Chelle